Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
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8:43 am - I am, What I am, One can accept me or cast me out it matters not
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I have not been writing as much as I should of been. But when I get the time I shall rectify that mistake.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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8:41 am - Masqerade
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The world is a giant masqerade ball, almost everyone is hiding behind a mask; Afraid of attaining nothing if they walk onto the stage of life as they are. Through this illusion they hope to possess what they percieve others have that they dont. What is true beauty? What is true power? They are not illusions to be projected, for to be something that is true something has to be more then a mere illusion. The ideal beauty that seems to be projected in society is nothing but a superficial mask. If you look at trends about the world and in various times, the vision of what is beautiful changes. In the 1700s those who were packing on a few extra pounds were prefered to those in perfect shape. What is power? Is it the capability to change through superficial or direct means? Or perhaps both? Through illusion the individual believes that something that is not real is, so in a sense through illusion it is not your power at all that changes anything it is everyone that believes your guise. Are you really powerful? Perhaps depending on your perception of these things. To me true power and beauty must have substance, they must have essence... a soul. Sure it is difficult to obtain these things, to change the self and the way one perceives but it is one of the most rewarding experiences life has to offer. Does a victory have much meaning if it is not hard won? Should one accept the easy pre-made path that our society has laid before us? Or find the treasures that lay hidden in the depths of the exotic jungles of life, hacking our way through making our own path and fending off the dangers that lurk there. The more difficult the path the more rewards it has to offer. The meaning of life does not so much lay in any one answer but the journey itself. To those who have hard lives, know that every hardship that is placed in your path that does not kill you is a valuable lesson if you let it be one. I wear no mask but still no one can see my true face, It is not hidden behind a viel of material but a viel of silence. I choose to show a cross section of the sphere that is me, rather then the entire sphere. I too often fell victim to the dramas and emotional garbage of others, of letting myself become empathetic to those who have no control over their selves. To stay semi-dettached from society and the world is the only way to survive, otherwise one becomes lost in this world of illusions. To see and yet not let it effect you, to help your fellow man or woman when you can and yet to be able to walk away when you are no longer able to help.
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Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
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5:23 am - The path away from madness...
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Everytime i fall I manage to step back up and confront the issues that plague me head on, one step backward one forward sometimes two. Stagnant, battle for my mind, sanity misplaced and regained. Who am I really? What is real and what isnt? Studies into theoretical physics and metaphysics have shown me alot, too many similarities those two have in common. While i explore the outside i should really delve into whats within. Now whats next? Where to go what to do I am at a loss... Im still trying to regain composure and recover, the silent storm of chaos and inner madness that brews within is losing strength but the hoplessness and emptiness of my current stagnant life is creating another. I have been through so much and yet so many have been through worse so theres nothing to complain about. What doesnt kill you just makes you stronger. How i have progressed... Pessimism fades... another two steps forward... what to do next...
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, December 11th, 2005
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7:29 am - Matrix gear!
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Friday, September 2nd, 2005
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1:47 pm - The Battle Fought Within
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In order to achieve harmony and balance one must first confront the self and accept it in every respect. For every flaw can one day can become perfection; each in itself a grand lesson to be learned from. All aspects are apart of the whole and must be treated as a whole or one will be incomplete. The demon that is imbalance eats at us all until we face it in the darkest parts of the human mind. We must face it without anger or fear, hatred or malice for that which we aim at ourselves eats away at our being consuming our heart and soul; at this point in time we are nothing but the raging flame of destruction. Our world is eaten up by those who wish to pass life by never realizing its meaning. Man is caught up in the world of man and disconnecting itself from the rest of the universe and has become unbalanced. All things are connected from the biggest galaxy to the smallest particle. Everything is alive and has its own voice but man overtime no longer hears it or its own voice. Finding peace is as simple as finding peace with ones self for when one realizes and understands harmony one is no longer disconnected from the whole. We should not hate our darker nature as human beings for when we do we become incomplete; but in the same sense we should not over indulge and become the destructive demon within without a higher reason and conscience. The key is balance, acceptance and an understanding of the self. There is a great beauty to life as there is a great ugliness. That which is less then perfect needs time to develop and grow into perfection. Why hate that which we deem unsightly? Will that hatred make its existence un-manifest? We must understand these ugly aspects of our being and learn from them and let them grow into something more desirable. A brief time of reflection at the end of each day is all we need. A time of meditative silence to look into ourselves and grow from our flaws. People complain at this juncture that they do not have the time; Yet they find time to watch television for several hours and go to the bar. Thirty minutes should suffice it is not to much to ask for the great gift of peace in ones life.
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(comment on this)
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1:46 pm - Universal Order
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Everywhere we look there is an order a method of how things arrange themselves and function. There is a higher geometry, higher art, and a higher reasoning for why events occurr when they occurr. Everything is connected and in that everything influences everything else. Everything we experience is a lesson to be learned and understood. Through each hardship comes a chance to grow and become better. When one takes one is taken from, when one gives one recieves in return. This is seen in soldiers who have killed another, each time they kill they loose apart of themselves; those who live by the sword die by the sword. Alchemy's equivilent exchange, einstiens theory of relativity, osiris's and christs rebirth into the higher through sacrifice of the lower self. When one pursues a spiritual path one sacrifices, when one pursues a path of pure physicality one sacrifices. When something is gained something is also lost equivilent in value. Everything we take an event manifests to take from us. Universal karma; in every experience we come closer to perfection. With each lesson we ignore and fight that much farther are we set off from the truth. Do not fight events, learn from them and use them to your advantage. Good and evil are perceptions they are not manifesting forces forever fighting each other for domination of the universe. Everything has its place and everything has its purpose... Understanding is the key to evolving and perfection. Move forward not backward; spread wisdom and understanding not ignorance and intolerance. Live your lives and enjoy them do not make your life and everyone elses a living hell. For is this not just common sense?
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
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5:20 am - Refined energy and its ability to retain the form of thoughts
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Bio etheric energy,chi,life energy, or whatever you wish to call it is very refined and exists on a scale much smaller then the planck length ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planck_length ).
At this level quantum mechanics ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_mechanics ) comes into play, will and perception literally mould the form of energy. Our base senses mould this energy to create the secondary psychic senses. We have an energy body that can be effected by thought. As this is an extension of our bieng it can be changed and added to with a little focusing of the will. The physical mind can be utilized to immense proportions, and it also interfaces with its energy counterpart which allows the brain to reach quantum computing capability. Gaining control over the mind and self is the difficult part, one must undo the rigid mental programing that society has imprinted upon us. I will develop a full method from start to finish to achieve this and I will post it here. I will do my best to explain how it works in great detail.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, July 31st, 2005
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6:43 pm
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Found out that her lung collapsed when she was hyperventalating when her boyfriend upset her. There are holes in her lungs the doctors put talke on them to generate scar tissue to seal them up.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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2:12 am - Rhea
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The illness is fatal and she will die without a lung transplant. But she has some of the best doctors in the world there and the best surgens at her disposal.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
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8:17 pm
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The surgery went well shes not in the icu thankfully and shes recovering. The doctors are not sure what to do after this. They basically took a peice of her lung to test it and placed new tubes in to drain the fluid from the cists. But i know she will recover call it intiution
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(comment on this)
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1:33 am - Rhea
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My friend Rhea is in the hospital with a potentially fatal unknown illness. Her lung collapsed a week or so ago but the doctors didnt think it was anything major but later it collapsed again and they found cists littered throughout both lungs and she has been in the hospital since thursday. I have been there with my brother practically all day every day with her. She got really bad today her boyfriend is a serious asshole he basically has made up excuses bullshit ones every day shes been in the hospital but we gave him the benifit of the doubt. Today he says he couldnt visit her because he didnt have any clean pants to wear. We offered to pick him up and later he said he had some and he would come down, then he turned off his cell when we were supposed to pick him up. We found him later by talking to his father he was at a skate park with his friends. When rhea found out she was crying for a few hours and her condition got worse when her breathing rate increased something happened to her lungs and she found it harder to breathe so they put her on oxygen. He came because his father made him fucking asshole but shes doing better now. Shes only 16 so damn niave and she forgave him and is still going out with him. She goes into surgery tommorrow we had to take her boyfriends ass home so we couldnt stay the night because my brother is to tired to drive back and I dont drive. I wont let her die I refuse to let her die god damnit not another one not this time I will find a way. This is probally pretty incoherent and im tired and irratated and not going to change it.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, July 22nd, 2005
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9:08 pm
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Symbolic suggestion is not working it was a nice theory but it just will not work in dealing with the physical it seems. I will use visual/textile/vibratory formulative techniques to influence the physical body and mind for that seems to be the most effective. The first one is simply visualization the rest are the same just dealing with touch and hearing giving a more stable picture in the mind. They are the active counterparts of the senses also deemed in psi "remote influencing". Ill write a more comprehensive description in a bit.
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Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
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1:49 pm
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Destroy all humans is the most hilarious game I have ever played. Annhilating the human race has never been so fun.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, July 17th, 2005
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10:21 am
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If anyone believes in reincarnation this may be interesting to you. Any previous experience in evolving higher dimensional consciousness like you were a very powerful witch or magus in a past life is retained up to a certain level. If anyone is familiar with the qaballah its the sphere of tipereth or christ center. If not look online for the qaballah and/or the tree of life. Every sephira on the tree of life is a dimensional sphere some indian mystics also have named them and they have their own system for this; most cultures do. I will give a quick review of the spheres leading up to tipereth. Tipereth is the heart center the first formulation of arctypial manifestation of form, under it is netzach the artistic sphere, Hod is under that which deals with intellectual thought, Yesod is the normal astral plane the plane of reflections. Under this is the qliphoth or the lower astral, the world of shells(Ill explain the shells part soon. Some nasty things here basically like what is classically depicted in the underworld). And then finally our physical dimension Malkuth. When someone dies their body generates an enormous ammount of energy to prepare for the transition of death. The etheric body (in between of astral and physical exists party and influences both) then deattaches from the physical form. The next step up is the astral form Usually The soul inhabits the astral form for a few days to say their goodbyes to their relatives. From this point the astral form is left behind which is basically a mindless zombie imprint of the consciousness that inhabited it and it remains in the lower astral as a zombie shell. This is what common is refered to as a ghost. Strong emotional imprints usually trauma at the moment of death keep the astral form rooted in the physical. In order to stay in the physical dimension it requires bio etheric energy or life energy to sustain itself. So basically it sucks life energy and is a vampire. They repeat the emotional imprint of their deaths continously until that imprint fades and deminishes. That is basically what a haunting is. The soul then retreats to tipereth until it then projects downward into the next life. All development on tipereth and above from previous lives is retained. Oddly enough I can prove this with physics... I have innate development and because of this i have had innate ability since childhood. You could say I had to work my way from the top to the bottom which is unusual. I have development on spheres two levels higher then tipereth; Gebrurah and Gedulah. Above this supposedly no human can exist until they are free from the wheel of life and death; Free from karma.
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3:18 am - Symbolic script
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The signature keys that I have been developing I have noticed only effect the etheric,astral and the more subtle dimensions but that is their base nature. I am developing one that will automatically develop all of the projected forms of self so they will act more like expanded aspects of bieng rather then simple projections and exist in their corresponding realms of influence permenantly. The hermetic texts speak about this manner of development but in a different context. I am working on a subconscious script that will tell the subconscious mind to connect to the unconscious; from this point it will get the best manner to develop the conscious mind from the collective group unconscious and automatically stimulate the actual brain and develop it in that manner. Theoretically anyways, if not I will find another method in which to perform this base operation. If this becomes a proven method I will build a manner in which the average individual can obtain super human consciousness without having to take time away from their busy lives. The first script I was working on I will call astral script the next subconscious script if it works. Just a more attuned magical language that specifically is attuned to various dimensional levels attained in a similiar manner as dee attained enochian. Thankfully this does not cost any money to develop.
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Friday, July 15th, 2005
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3:07 pm
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12:54 pm - well
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Well... More "do you want to fuck me" mail from random women on myspace. I really dont like whores... I really really dont like whores... Im tired of peoples games. Its flattering and all but its irratating in the same sense seeing I place my thoughts into and pour my heart into my writing and all they care about is a damn picture. And I wonder why I am antisocial... I dont want your automated fuckline damnit I want meaning. Well I have emotions again how irratating my complete control over myself is fading perhaps thats relatively healthy. No doubt side effects from the key sig I dont see how possibly what I was doing to myself is healthy in any respect. I repress everything including my emotions and yet I speak about how unhealthy it is. The difference between me and those priests who rape little boys? I have willpower and strength they dont. I can deal with it they cant. This is very interesting the key sigs effects are very pronounced. I cant wait to test this on the average joe and jane.
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10:02 am - The Pain and sorrow of my past always comes back regardless of my best efforts to control it
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Anyone ever feel alone even though you are in a crowd of people you supposedly know. No matter what you do nothing fills that void of lonliness. A year and a half ago I was on the verge of total collapse my heart ate away at me killing me slowly reminding me of my misery every second of everyday. I basically compensated by taking a job that would work me 70 hrs a week and rarely there was enough time to eat and rest I was a bus boy at a country club hauling 75-150 pound trays every second of every day. I didnt have to think about it I liked it but eventually everything wore down on me until I did collapse. Luckily it was off season and I was out of the job. It seemed like no matter how much strength I attain it is never enough to save me to bring myself some peace. I barely survived the last 8 years of my life. To give you a feel for my situation I lived from the time I was 14 to 19 I lived with a psychopath and she had alot more mental illness then that( my grandom). She would constantly hit me with barrage after barrage of any psychological torture she could utilize against me. Why would she do this? Because she hated my mom and by the rite of transference I am guilty of some great imaginary crime. Why does she hate my mom? Because 20 years ago my mom said one sentance that she didnt like and has hated her ever since. She would say things like "You know why you are here? Because your mother no longer cares about you she abandoned you because you are worthless waste of life. That is why she never calls." of course she only did this when I was home sick from school and tired. When she didnt want to deal with me she would slip sleeping pills into my drink. She broke the lock on my room so she could come in every 5 minutes during the day and at night she would come in every hour and wake me up each time. Once she told me that she didnt want my bike in the house and I had to keep it outside. She knew i didnt have a lock. A little bit after she gave the bike away to a passerby. Before this I was the most kind hearted soul you could imagine, I gave to everyone, when I was in jr. high I just let people beat me up I never fought back. I was definately an empath which basically means I take in everything peoples emotions and feelings. What happens when you place an empath with a emotionally ill individual? They become emotionally ill. Five years of psychological torture. Know whats funny? My dad was there the whole time but he was to busy going to the bar and drinking when he was there like he has my entire life he failed to notice what was going on. Of course he never believed me or perhaps even cared until convienantly after I graduated and she decided to kick me out of the house because i was over 18 and out of school and she could. I guess he felt obligated as a father to keep a roof over my head least he did that. He prefered the bottle over me and my brother our entire lives and decided having to live rent free was more important then my well bieng. My mom stopped trying to keep in contact with me she was too wrapped up in her own little world to actually give a damn. She would stay in her little fantasy world where everything was alright while I suffered. My brother lived with her. My brother is my oppisite a clincal sociopath/bipolar/pathological lair(I wonder what made him this?). Luckily my dad didnt beat me and was only not there. In school I was me, I wore a trenchcoat and sometimes a sateen velvet cloak and my leather paratrooper boots. Always wore black I guess I could be considered a goth but I had alot of influences from various styles so I confused people. I watched one friend after another destroy themselves with drugs most of them are dead right now. I dont really drink much(other then mikes hard lemonade and bacardi silver because they are good). I never have done any drugs not even pot. I would try to help people to the best of my ability all of those around me. Some how everyone who needed help managed to find their way to me. One rape victim after another, One Person with a fucked up relationship after another people needing counciling and I tried my best to help them and it was not good enough. One by one I watched them fall as I stood powerless to do anything to stop it. They died too some by suicide others by overdosing. I felt like I was obligated to take the worlds sorrow into myself to do all that I could to make peoples suffering a little less. I felt like my life in itself had no value and through this it gained value a reason for living. Everyone came to me for help but no one came to help me. Always alone and it never changed not ever. I stopped living for myself a long long time ago and its the only way i could endure the pain. I guess the years of people treating you like your worthless eventually sinks in does not do much for the ego thats for sure. More happened after that one thing after another things I cannot bring myself to mention. I died around that time the old me anyways, but i rose up from my ashes I dusted myself off and I got up. Thats why I took upon the name of phoenix. My heart was the only thing destroying me and the only thing saving me. I have an unimaginable ammount of inner wounds and the only way I deal with them is through mental discipline and control. My memories are coming back all of the ones I blocked all these years. This is the first time in a long time I feel like I am going to make it and that I can actually change something and make a difference. They have been a festering illness beyond the wall that my mind put up so they wouldnt destroy me. Month after month my heart aches less and my wounds are begining to heal. Odd How even though my grandmother tortured me i cried for her at her funeral. She for the last 20 years lived alone she lost her daughter in a car crash and her husband died after of a broken heart he became ill and died shortly after I was born. I couldnt hate her I still cant. I cant hate anymore I realize everyone has a reason for bieng who they are but it does not excuse their actions and justices due should be paid. This is who I am and still after all these years I have feelings of worthlessness eating away at me limiting me. If I ever become noteworthy enough to write a biography it would be a sad but interesting read. I have attained so much strength but in the same sense I am so utterly powerless and weak. We have flaws so we can learn from them and grow from them, guess its just going to take some time. Michelle I think your the only one who knows this kind of pain. I had to write this it was killing me I needed to vent this in some way. This is who I am I felt the need to be somewhat known and yet I dont think anyone can understand what it feels like save one.
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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9:14 am - Subconscious/Unconscious mental symbolism
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By switching my brain frequency from the theta state(normal for me) to the Delta state I can directly connect to my unconscious mind. I basically form an intent like, "Develop the minds faculties and activate unawakened aspects" From there my unconscious translates it into a written Symbolic Signature key. This is a more advanced form of automatic writing. The subconscious basically does what the signature key is intented if focused and concentrated upon. It automatically induces the theta state(in most people they are in beta or alpha states) and obeys the symbolic mental language like a command line. I started experimentation with this technique and it is working quite well. The majority of the world is simply too lazy to actively strive in academics. Through this technique the people can become more evolved mentally and therefore society will become more evolved. The worlds state is directly attributed to the worlds level of development in its people. Like any muscle the brain must be excersized if not it becomes weak and sluggish like any other muscle then eventual degeneration of the thought process ensues. A week from now I will record my success and perhaps if anyone is interested in attempting using them I will release the keys here. I need to test them on normal people before I can add them to my written work. The results should speak for themselves. The keys only work if accepted and known by the conscious mind exactly what they do. In order for the technique to work like hypnotic suggestion the mind has to accept the command line and understand it. If I just write a few random symbols down and the conscious mind does not understand it on all levels. If not it has no effect on the conscious mind. I am not sure to what extent they would work if such action was taken. But it is definately worth looking into. Using such to cure mental illnesses is not beyond its capability. Simply command the mind to repair itself.
current music: Mozart - Requiem
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6:01 am - The reason my life is lacking socially
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Myspace repost:
I have been hit on so much since I entered into myspace and not so much by stalkers(them too a little bit) but truly attractive women. I am flattered that so many have taken an interest in me but I do not have looking for relationships in my profile for a reason. I’m the only guy in the world who would say this and the only guy in the world who doesn’t care about getting laid. I simply do not have time for dating and sex I am pretty much celibate until I love someone. That has never happened and most likely will not. For me to love someone they would have to understand me and have a soul. Lonliness has eaten away at me for a long time but it grows less and less potent as I gain more control over my mind. Why do random whores send me mail? To show me that I must conform and become a mindless zombie driven by animal lust? I would rather turn a blade onto my throat and end my life. I dont like whores. Too many fake people so tired of fake people. I dont have time for this. I swear most people are less then animals.
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